Let's say you're out driving this week and a ZOMBIE walks in front of your car. Even though you KNOW zombies aren't real, and you KNOW it's Halloween . . . you just MIGHT be inclined to run that zombie over.
45-year-old Jeffrey Stiles of Muskegon, Michigan was at a Halloween party on Saturday night dressed as a zombie. And around 8:30 P.M., he decided to go into the street to scare DRIVERS . . . even though he's really old enough to know better.
So Jeffrey walked out into the street . . . and was promptly RUN OVER.
The driver kept going, and the police haven't tracked him down. Jeffrey was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries.
According to a new CareerBuilder survey, 28% of us have used a fake excuse to call in sick to work this year. And 31% of bosses say they've tried to CATCH employees faking it. 15% say they've even driven by someone's HOUSE before.
Here are the eight weirdest excuses employers have heard so far this year. Some of them sound TOO weird to be fake.
1. "I just put a casserole in the oven."
2. "My legs fell asleep in the bathroom. Then I stood up, fell, and broke my ankle."
3. "I was at a casino all weekend, and still have money left to play with."
4. "I woke up in a good mood and don't want to ruin it."
5. "I hooked up with someone at their place last night, and I don't know where I am."
6. "I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store."
7. "I tried to dry my uniform in the microwave, and it caught fire."
Around 2:20 in the morning on Saturday, a cop was standing on the street, talking to a bus driver near a bar in Mankato, Minnesota. (About 80 miles southwest of Minneapolis.)
And the bar had just closed, so drunk people were pouring out of it, including a 24-year-old guy named Riley Swearingen, who was with some friends. And apparently just to get a laugh, Riley decided to sneak up behind the cop . . . and give him a WET WILLY.
More specifically, Riley went with a DOUBLE wet willy . . . meaning he put a finger in BOTH of the cop's ears at the same time.
At which point the cop spun around, and saw him walking away. And if he wasn't already sure Riley did it, he was a few seconds later . . . when he clearly heard him yell to his friends that he, quote, "just gave [that] cop a WET WILLY!"
It turns out Riley is an air traffic controller in the Air Force, and was in town for a friend's wedding. Initially, they charged with him "assaulting a police officer with bodily fluids," which is a FELONY.
But after three days in jail, a judge let him plead guilty to disruptive intoxication instead. So he ended up with time served, and had to pay $77 in court costs.
I love it when people decide to sue . . . but have to tell an embarrassing story in order to do it.
Back in 2011, a 61-year-old woman in Dublin, Ireland named Isabela O'Sullivan had her bathroom renovated, and got the walls redone with huge tiles that weighed about six-and-a-half pounds each.
Then about two weeks later, she was using the bathroom when one of the tiles came loose, and shattered on the floor. And it scared her so much . . . she fell OFF THE TOILET, couldn't get up, and had to call a friend to come help her.
According to Isabela, the fall hurt her knee so much that she can't go on long walks anymore. So she sued her contractor over it, claiming he didn't install the tiles right, and it was HIS fault she fell off the toilet.
And a judge agreed with her . . . and just awarded her $32,000 for pain and suffering. Plus, the contractor has to pay more than $3,000 to cover the cost of replacing all the tiles.
It's really amazing when we were all young and drunk we didn't wind up getting arrested. Or, if we DID get arrested, the Internet wasn't sitting there waiting to spread the news and mock us relentlessly.
A guy in Indianapolis was arrested for underage drinking Saturday night . . . it happens, and normally wouldn't make the news.
Except that around 2:00 A.M., two of his buddies, 20-year-old Hanni Bichir and 19-year-old Triston Burton, went to the police station to get him.
And when they got inside, the cops could tell THEY were drunk too . . . and arrested both of THEM for underage drinking.
Hanni blew a .161 on the breathalyzer and Triston blew a .135. The cops gave explained to them it was a bad idea to go to a police station drunk and put them in jail . . . where they were reunited with their buddy.
There's a guy in Canada who got mauled by a grizzly bear this weekend . . . and that was arguably only the SECOND worst thing to happen to him that day.
A 56-year-old guy was out hunting in Fernie, British Columbia on Sunday morning when a grizzly bear ATTACKED HIM. As he tried to keep the bear from tearing his body apart, another hunter saw what was happening and ran over to help.
"Help" is a loose term here, though . . . because when the other hunter tried to shoot the bear, he accidentally shot the GUY.
Somehow, the guy survived both the bear attack AND the human attack . . . and he was airlifted to a hospital where he's in stable condition. His injuries aren't considered life threatening.
Thursday had to be both the BEST and WORST day of these two people's lives.
Karen and Jay Priest of Palmer, Alaska got a knock on their door at 3:00 A.M. Thursday . . . it was an Alaska State Trooper who delivered some horrible news: Their 29-year-old son, Justin Priest, had died in a car accident in Juneau, Alaska.
Karen and Jay started calling relatives to tell them, then drove to Anchorage to tell their other son, Cody.
Karen and Jay's last stop was to visit Justin's girlfriend, Julia, to break the news to her. And when they knocked on the door . . . JUSTIN ANSWERED.
Justin says when his parents saw him, quote, "I didn't know why they were yelling and screaming. I was mostly asleep. They were yelling, 'Praise Jesus! It's a miracle!'" Once he figured it out, he called the cops to tell them he was alive.
It turns out a different person named Justin Priest had died in the car accident. The trooper who visited Karen and Jay was supposed to ask them if the victim could be their son, but misunderstood . . . and told them their son was dead.
There may not be a better crime fighting tool in 2014 than people's VANITY.
The police in Columbus, Ohio posted 34-year-old Monica Hargrove's mugshot on their Facebook page last month, because there was a warrant out for her arrest for armed robbery. And they asked people with information about Monica to call them.
And they did get a call about Monica . . . from MONICA herself. She called less than 48 hours later to complain that the mugshot they'd posted was UNFLATTERING.
So the detective who took the call told her to come in, and they'd talk about taking the mugshot down. Monica headed straight for the police station . . . and they arrested her.
61-year-old Shirley Player of Bournemouth, England has lost two sisters to breast cancer. So back in 2007, she decided SHE'D probably die from it soon too . . . and started embezzling from the real estate company she worked for.
According to Shirley, she wanted to pay off a bunch of debt and buy things for her family. So over the course of about seven years, she made 390 transfers from her company's bank account . . . and stole almost $630,000.
Then in 2010, Shirley WAS diagnosed with breast cancer. And she figured she'd be gone before anyone found out about the money.
But instead, she responded WELL to her cancer treatments. And about six months ago, her doctors told her she'd finally BEATEN it.
Which would have been great news. But around the same time, Shirley's company did an audit, realized the money was missing, looked at the transfers, and figured out what happened.
So now Shirley is cancer free . . . but was charged with theft, and will spend the next FOUR YEARS in prison.
A businessman named Eddie Nash from Lancaster, New Hampshire died 10 years ago . . . and one of his daughters, 52-year-old Melanie Nash, didn't get anything. But her sister Susan DID.
Clearly that's been eating at Melanie for the past decade . . . and she's convinced that somehow Susan hid the REAL will and the rest of the family was tricked by a FAKE WILL.
So she took matters into her own hands a few months ago . . . and DUG UP her father's grave, cracked open his casket, and searched through his remains to try to find the real will.
She didn't find a will . . . all she found was his skeleton clutching a pack of cigarettes.
The police found Eddie's casket dug up and open the next morning. They arrested Melanie after a quick investigation, and she's facing charges of criminal mischief, interference with cemetery or burial ground, and abuse of a corpse.
Melanie told them she dug it up, quote, "with respect" and she believes her dad would've been okay with it.
For me, multitasking means making mac and cheese, watching "Franklin & Bash", and playing Clash of Clans on my phone. THIS is multitasking . . .
On Monday afternoon, a cop in Poughkeepsie, New York named Patrick Hildenbrand pulled over a 20-year-old guy named Matthew Morgan for speeding.
But it turned out Matthew's two-year-old son, Matthew Jr., had just had a SEIZURE, wasn't breathing, didn't have a PULSE, and they were racing to the hospital. So Patrick told Matthew to jump in the back of his police car, and they took off together.
Then he called ahead to let doctors know what was up, and told Matthew how to do CPR on a child. But Matthew was too freaked out to follow his directions.
So Patrick held the steering wheel with his left hand . . . reached into the backseat with his right hand . . . and HE started doing chest compressions. Again, WHILE they were speeding to the hospital.
And it saved the boy's LIFE. When they got to the hospital he started breathing again, and it looks like he'll be okay.
35-year-old Charles Agosto of Lebanon, Oregon was driving on Sunday morning when a cop pulled him over for doing over 100 miles-per-hour. A drug dog sniffed some drugs in the car... and that's when Charles took off running.
The police chased him, but ended up losing him when Charles cleverly hid in a bush.
And he might've gotten away with it too . . . if he hadn't gone OVERBOARD on his COLOGNE.
So while the cops were searching for him, they smelled his overpowering cologne . . . and found him hiding in the bush. He was arrested and is facing several charges.
And as the cops were arresting him, Charles told them he regretted putting on so much cologne that morning. Unfortunately there's no word on WHAT cologne he was wearing.
I'm going to resist blurting out "Uh oh, SpaghettiOs" here . . . but I assure you, it will take ALL the discipline within me.
23-year-old Ashley Gabrielle Huff of Gainesville, Florida was driving on July 2nd when the cops pulled her over . . . and spotted a spoon in her car covered in a, quote, "suspicious residue."
They assumed it was from drugs, probably meth, and arrested her. She swore it wasn't meth, but spent more than a MONTH in jail until the crime lab came back with an analysis of the substance on the spoon.
It turned out to be . . . sauce from SpaghettiOs.
Ashley says she told the cops it was SpaghettiOs back when she was arrested, but they didn't believe her. They also say she had sores on her that looked like a meth addict's . . . and had a pipe in the car.
But after the test proved it was just a spoonful of SpaghettiOs, Ashley was released. And now she's planning to sue the police and D.A.'s office for malicious prosecution and unlawful arrest.